Have you ever left dinner with a friend, co-worker or family
member feeling completely mentally exhausted? If you have, chances are this
person is the type who always has some kind of crisis going on and constantly
complains. Or maybe he or she is continually critical, and you end up on the
receiving end of his or her drama and negativity. For your own sanity, it’s
important to learn how to set boundaries with emotionally draining people --
whether it’s your needy friend, your unpredictably moody boss, your toxic ex or
your irresponsible sister. Here’s what the experts advise for dealing with
these draining people in your life. And who better to illustrate the
difficulties of dealing with frenemies than our fur babies? Continue...
1. Raise your awareness
The first step in being able to understand how
to deal with emotionally draining people is to acknowledge that you are
indeed being drained, says professional counselor and facilitator
Michael Diettrich-Chastain of PathtoSynergy.com. “Check in with yourself
if you are feeling tired, irritable, frustrated or put off,” he
explains. “If these feelings just started after engaging with this
person, then this may be a clue that this person is emotionally draining
to you.” Once you determine that this person is emotionally taxing to
you, decide how much you are willing to tolerate. Define how often you
want to continue seeing this person (if you have a choice) and how
keeping this relationship may affect your overall well-being.
2. Limit how often you interact with them
If the person isn’t your boss or your roommate
(i.e., someone you aren’t guaranteed to see every day), then be more
selective about when you see or talk to him or her. “Give yourself
permission to power down and ignore calls, especially when you are
exhausted or being pulled in multiple directions,” suggests clinical
psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula (Doctor-Ramani.com). “The power of
caller ID is notable here: Don’t feel like you have to answer the phone
every time or even answer an email immediately. Give yourself time to
breathe before you tackle it -- and prepare yourself, much like
stretching before a workout.”
3. Set a “hard out” time
When you do see the person in the flesh, make a
point to set an end time to your coffee or lunch date, Ramani suggests.
“It may feel ‘cold,’ but many times folks like these will take a mile
if you give them an inch,” she explains. “Plus, knowing there is a
finite end may allow you to pace yourself better.” Elizabeth Olate,
M.A., M.S.W., LISW, of ElizabethOlate.com, agrees. “Sometimes we need to
let our needy friends know that we only have half an hour to talk. That
way, we can engage, let him or her know they’re supported and also
[allow them to] respect and honor our time.”
4. Practice depersonalizing the relationship
If the emotionally draining person in your
life is constantly critical of you or you feel like he or she is always
on the attack, realize that his or her behavior is not a reflection on
you. “Although it may seem like this person is out to get you or hurt
your feelings, chances are good that you aren’t that special, at least
in his or her eyes,” says life-balancing coach Jaime Pfeffer
(JaimePfeffer.com). “Meaning that if you followed him or her around for a
day, you’d likely find he or she treats everyone poorly -- not just
you.” Be proactive about not taking his or her behavior personally,
Pfeffer advises, by being mindful of your reaction and remembering that
you have no control over how this person acts.
5. Avoid commiserating
Another way to set boundaries is to stop
reinforcing a person’s negative behavior. If you find yourself agreeing
with the person and nodding along just for the sake of getting through
the conversation, you’re actually validating his or her actions. “I once
had a client put a hook on his office wall so every time a person
entered his office with a complaint or horror story, he looked at the
hook to remind himself to control his own reactive emotions,” says
Marcia Reynolds, Psy.D., author of “The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders
Turn Difficult Conversations Into Breakthroughs.” “He then either
listened to discover what the person needed to move forward or set a
boundary around the conversation, asking to focus on solutions instead
of what was wrong.”
6. Deflect, when necessary
A common trap people can fall into with
emotionally draining people is trying to “save” them by offering
solutions, only to find that these suggestions are rarely taken. Rather
than continuing to dispense help and have your advice disregarded,
direct the person to someone else. “The best way to deal with these
people is to say something like, ‘I know you’re really upset, but I’m
not the best person to talk to about this. Maybe you should see a
therapist or counselor,’” suggests marriage and family therapist Dr.
Jane Greer of DrJaneGreer.com. “You can also simply say, ‘I don’t think
it’s the best idea for me to advise you.’” By putting a boundary around
giving advice, you avoid going in circles with the person, not to
mention the frustration that comes when your thoughtful counsel is
dismissed.
7. Be more assertive
If the person in question takes issue with
your choices or continually doles out unsolicited advice, it’s crucial
to calmly stand up for yourself. “Emotional drainers thrive on
manipulating and dictating your emotions, so the best thing you can do
is respectfully assert your perspective without trying to be right or
telling them what to do,” says licensed therapist and coach Melody
Wilding, LMSW (MelodyWilding.com). “For example, when countering an
overbearing mother-in-law, you might say, ‘I understand you may be
upset, but this is the decision I’m making.’” Another way to be
assertive is to put a “hard stop” on the subject matter when the
conversation starts getting uncomfortable. Reynolds suggests saying
something like: “I understand why you feel the way you do, but it
doesn’t look like there is anything else I can do for you. I would be
happy to take up this conversation with you at another time when you are
willing to look at taking a step forward.”
How have you dealt with emotionally draining people in the past? Have
you tried any of these tips before? Share your experiences and tips in
the comments below.
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